Monday Will Mark One Year Since I Left America

I have a general policy about not being *too* emotionally-revealing in my blog. I am comfortable with being open, but it's a personal opinion of what this blog is for mixed with some sour experiences where people shared too much on their blogs, causing social damage. However, I am going to make an exception to do some ruminating and catching up.

So things are overall going well with me lately; they've just been really busy. I'm not going to lie, I will admit that while I am happy on the day-to-day, I have - to some small extent - been hitting a down spiral of one of the waves you go through abroad lately. The feelings take root in a quest to find more purpose in what I am doing right now (prob since classes are on halt - I generally get a lot of satisfaction out of classes). To some extent, my frusterations are also ironic because I should be doing grad school applications soon... might just be the nerves. But it's hard to ignore. I've been addressing it by keeping busy, but also taking more personal time when I need it.

I have a lot of friends leaving Japan now, and the weird part is that this year is going by so fast and I know I'll be exactly where they are in a year. It's just a bit scary considering I don't know WHERE I will be moving to yet (I hope I know... but it depends on how those apps go... under pressure, dude...bowie style!). They say culture shock lasts for a year and then teh cycle starts over again (i've had a few lectures on it this year and been through it before... I SHOULD know...), so this could, in essence, be part of general culture shock. I think it has a lot to do with the applications and huge implications with my greater life scheme, but also frusteration with my current position. I love what I do and take advantage of the benefits: free time, security in my lifestyle & financially, travel opportunities, a chance to learn about another culture and the pleasure of meeting really interesting and driven new people and the chance to get paid for endulging in a passion or interest, without the red tape that often accompanies it (teaching without being responsible for discipline, for example). At the same time, there are still underlying frusterations, including always being an "outsider", not being able to communicate effeciently enough (kanji is a major issue here) and the fact that I don't have a job at work where I am working my way up; it is rather horizontal (I can grow and enrich the experience, but it is the same thing if I stay 1 or 5 years - and I am still going to be treated as an "outsider" at work because I cannot function as a full member of the staff without the proper Japanese proficiency). I know this is not completely true, but maybe you are getting a sense for the frusteration?

I've experienced a lot in the last year and am so grateful for the opportunities I have been afforded. I've seen a lot of different sides of this country, and while I may not be excellent in the language, I feel a little more confident in saying I am starting to somewhat gain a foothold on the culture. I feel like I am on the right path with regard to the bigger picture, but I just hope I am effective in communicating that (and that others have faith in my abilities and potential) when I present my case to schools in the next few months.

I have also been doing a lot of reminiscing and evaluating. In the last three years, I have realized (or confirmed?) what some of my biggest passions are, and have come closer to widdling down exactly what that means and discovered more options to explore within those realms. I really love teaching, for example, but have also realized that I most enjoy working with higher-level students (or adults) that are passionate about what they are doing and can dig in to a deeper level of the subject matter. I love the analysis and passion that comes with higher-level learning, and crave the discussion aspect that comes at the university-level, for example. I had a long talk with my mom the other night about my future and the possibility of pursuing academia. You want to keep your options open, yes, but you also want to be happy. If you find your vocation, why not pursue it and spend more time being happy and growing in that area? The big question that follows that line, however, is what subject would I pursue... and thankfully things come full circle (here, at least) and I realize I am still going to graduate school for the right reasons and (I believe) the right areas of study. Then Torbjorn was asking some tough questions about why I want to do what I want to do over a beer earlier this week. And you know what? There was no pressure behind the answers because I am confident in my next steps - it's just what to do after THAT next step (yup, Type A... I'm a planner) that irks me. Or what if my next step isn't a reality? I am really happy and excited (and nervous, I suppose) about law school, and especially the JD/MA program. I guess right now, I am just going to go in the direction I am confortable with, have long-term options in mind if I see things I like, but try to be open to exploring options as they come and taking each step one-at-a-time.

All of this personal evaluating comes at the helm of my one-year annivesary in Japan. I am not so sure I'm feeling stagnant, as much as potentially a little freaked out about the reality of moving across the world again next year, and watching my little world here change right now. And, of course, just generally being a little emotional (and hopefully not dramatic) about losing some of the people who have shaped my experience in the last year. It's a good time to be going home, and I am happier than ever that I bought that ticket for next month. I need a breather. Don't get me wrong - I like being a foreigner and living abroad, but sometimes, I am too much on the outskirts of the "inside" here in Japan (I recently read only 2-3% of the population of Japan is non native-Japanese...). It was different in Norway, as it would be anywhere in America, where I could at least integrate to a higher-level, if not assimilate if I wanted to. One of the most obvious examples to illustrate this point is that I get attention for simple things, like riding the trains, at times when I want to blend. I think it's these kind of situations where I'd refer to my "one-step-at-a-time" theory.

I probably won't post any more updates on how the culture shock is going soon, but I know this will pass, and I do have ecstatic days as well as those where I "ponder" my life. I also think it's really healthy to explore in your youth and that I am doing the right thing (maybe planning too much in some senses? - it's true that "not all those who wander are lost"). At least when I look back, I will be satified in knowing I spent my time well - and hope it will all "be worth it"... but hopefully this is good insight for others into what culture shock can actually mean. Yes, even a year in (I was shocked to learn it's not just the surface "culture shock" that you get upon arrival - this is part of it). It's fascinating living in another place, but at the same time, there are ups and downs; both important. And a whole year has already gone by?! - WOW.